Having a moment of clarity....

Since day one, when my little world started to unravel, I've prayed and clung to God. Tonight I realized just how much. I don't know exactly how to explain it, except to say that it just hit my heart how so much good is coming from so much bad.

I've developed a real hunger for God's word. I've always wanted to be a good Christian woman, and reflect that in my life, but something has happened inside of me. I actually crave reading my bible. If I don't open it up one day, I really feel like something is missing.

My eyes and my heart are being illuminated by so many parts of the bible that I've read a million times, but never really saw. I can't begin to tell you how many times I say to myself (or looking up at God), "Wow!" There is so much peace that comes over me when I read even just one verse.

I wanted to share just a few of the blessings that I'm starting to see in all this mess:

-Caleb is developing such a closeness with his grandparents, his cousins, and his aunt and uncle. Mommy is not his only safety blanket anymore.
-My church family is just that, a family. I have absolutely been taken in by some of the most godly people I've ever met. I'll receive text messages and phone calls from people there saying they're holding me up in prayer and asking if there is anything they can do to help. And you know what? They really mean it!
-I'm realizing just how not alone I am. I'm not afraid to share with people what's happened with me, and after I do, so many times I hear similar stories that have happened to them or their family members. So many people have opened their hearts to me, and I really can empathize and I know how to better pray for them. It's not just, "Lord help him or her." It's specific and truly heart-felt.

There are many days, most actually, that I'm still in disbelief. How the man I loved faithfully for so long, could do what's he's done, or choose what he's chosen, is something I just can't wrap my mind around. There is a certain song out, which has been one of Caleb's favorite songs, that just keeps running through my mind.- "I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God had planned. I only know at His right hand, stands one who is my savior."

It's really hard, and I'm so tired out, but my faith is being strengthened. My hope is being renewed. There is so much to be thankful for.